I have not shared my thoughts here for two months.
Not because I haven’t had them
but because I’ve had so many
that I can hardly keep them straight
because I’m afraid that my voice
doesn’t matter anyway
and is just another sound
echoing in this noisy place.
The thoughts that keep me up at night
fear of disease
fear of war
fear of political powers
fear of injustices
fear of persecution
fear that I cannot help.
I’m so tired.
But this is not the end.
My fear is sin
birthed out of a need
to control it all
fix it all
save them all.
I deleted my instagram
because I was tired of the voices-
voices that reprimanded me
believing that posting photos
of my white children during
a social justice uprising
was an act of White Supremacy,
voices that said funny memes
were displeasing to God,
voices that were offended
by my messy home,
my vulnerability,
voices that said my privilege
made me blind
(but all this time
I thought the love of Jesus
has always
been the thing that
made me see
people more clearly:
beautiful, unique,
made in God’s image).
I deleted my tiktok
because surely someone like me
ought to be more serious-
the voices I’m hearing tell me so,
thus the “wasteful entertainment”
needed to go.
It is now a privilege
for people to peek into my life
to see pictures of my children
to hear my thoughts and opinions
because I fear the judgement
the sneers
the negative comments
the exploitation.
BUT
WHY do I care about the voices
that aren’t from Him?
I should not. I cannot.
I cannot please each
and every living soul.
I cannot even try
or I will unravel.
The news of children
being used
and abused
for the perverse
sexual pleasure
of grown men
sickens my very soul.
The thought of someone’s
precious baby being stripped
of their innocence against their will
It makes me want to scream
to punch a wall
to weep at the injustice of it all.
Two months I’ve taken
to think
to stop
to be still
to listen
to the only one who matters.
Because
I have been so tired.
And what He has told me
is that this is not the end.
My children daily ask
“when will covid go away?”
their silenced voices muffled
under the coverage
of their suffocating masks.
No school
no friends with whom they can play.
Trying to do homework
from home
every day.
Mom and Dad are little help
as we sit in front of our computers
trying to provide
but really, aren’t we just becoming
slaves to the screens we sit behind?
We are tired.
But this is not the end.
People are dying all around us
cities are burning
people are hating one another
turning against one another
and suddenly the entirety of your character
is judged upon whether
you vote red or blue.
The media doesn’t even bother
to hide their bias anymore.
I can believe nothing
I can believe no one.
Everything is upside down.
You can end the life of your unborn baby
but you cannot send your children to school
you can gamble in casinos
but you cannot go to church
you cannot hug your neighbor
you cannot smile at a stranger
you cannot high-five a friend
you cannot shake hands with a new acquaintance
and also, stand far enough way from me
that you can hardly hear my voice
or hardly see the expression on my face.
No wonder we don’t trust each other anymore.
I am tired.
But this is not the end.
I find myself asking God
“what about my dreams?
what about my passions?
what about the future of my children?
why does it seem that everything
including my joy
has been taken away?
Is this the end?”
This is not a list of complaints
but the desperate groanings
of a woman surrendering
to the fact that she
is simply
merely
at best
a servant of God
a tool for His glory
a child set apart
for His use
to bring people to salvation
to bring light to the darkness
to bring healing to the broken
to bring strength to weary.
Oh, Lord, I am tired!
I am broken!
But I believe your Word
and this is just the beginning
of what you have planned
of what you will do
of who you will save
of how you will use me!
Oh Lord, I am weary!
But you have told me
and I believe you,
that
this
is
not
the
end.
Amen!!! This is not the end!! And th
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Ah, if only more believers could be this honest and vulnerable, what a difference the Church would make in this world.
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