A few weeks before the wedding, I got cold feet. I got all the cold feet. I was terrified that I was getting married too fast, too young, too everything. We had only dated one year, gotten engaged and then planned the wedding for 9 months later. That’s less than 2 years, if you’re counting.
What was wrong with me? This was the FIRST good guy I had ever been interested in that didn’t end up screwing me over or making me eventually feel like crap. This was the first man I had ever dated after experiencing horrible trauma in my life. For the first time since then, I had finally felt safe. Now, I understand I have done my fair share of hurting in relationships and I don’t place all the blame for my emotional imbalance on the guys I chose to date. I probably scarred some people in my reckless dating life all those years as well, but I also realize a lot of that was my own instability. Did I want to put that on myself again? Was I choosing wrong? Was I making a mistake? I said all these things to my soon-to-be husband. It was torture for both of us.
Ben: I don’t want to marry you if you’re not sure.
Me: I’m not saying I’m not sure. I’m just not sure if I’m sure.
Ben: Okay. Well, you need to get that figured out real soon.
Me: Do you still want to marry me?
Ben: Of course I do! But only if you still want to marry me!
Me: Let me think about it for a few days. I’m just scared. I’ve never even been in a real relationship for longer than a year! This is the longest I’ve ever had a boyfriend.
Ben: Well I think that’s a good sign, don’t you?
I was a train wreck. I told my parents about these reservations and my mom was emotionally distraught. She didn’t tell me that, I heard it from someone else in the family. My dad sat me down and asked me point blank if I could picture myself having Ben’s children. I don’t know why that was the question he chose to ask me, but I answered that “yes”, I think I could.
A lot of people felt that Ben and I were a mismatch in the beginning. My friends didn’t understand us and I would constantly hear them make comments that were discouraging to both Ben and I. Guaranteed his friends didn’t quite understand this seemingly unorthodox match either. I know that these comments and thoughts by our own friends and family bothered me, so I can imagine how they made him feel.
To us, WE made sense. But when you hear these sorts of things about the person you’re about to marry, especially from people you love and care about, you start to believe them yourself. I started to panic. He wasn’t right for me, I wasn’t right for him, he was only marrying me because I took his virginity, I was only marrying him because he was kind and good to me….the excuses kept rolling in.
I look back on this time and one thing I remember is that I don’t think I really prayed about this decision. I was diving head first into something that I hadn’t felt peace about. This unrest had less to do with the man I was about to marry. It mostly had to do with me. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted in marriage, or even what I wanted in life. I don’t have to tell you that is a recipe for a complete catastrophe.