A Groaning Too Deep For Words

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Some friends of mine were in this punk rock band and they planned this annual trip to their parent’s place in Mexico. I don’t even know where in Mexico, but all I remember is that it was on a river front. They were really rad guys, totally your typical “brother-like” dudes who you party with and hang with but don’t have any romantic interest in. That is, until, you all get together in a house in Mexico with 50 other hormonal 20-somethings and mix in alcohol and drugs and bikinis. DEBAUCHERY. Plain and simple. Three days blurred into one. I didn’t sleep, except for a short nap here or there, I was drinking for 72 hours straight with only a few breaks to swim (thank God I didn’t drown), dance and make a general fool of myself.

When I got home, I called Brodie and his phone was disconnected. My suspicion had been confirmed. Not only was he cheating on me with those Black Angus girls I saw him on MySpace with, but he didn’t even feel the need to tell me he had changed his phone number. Finally, a couple days later, he called me.

Brodie: Heyyyy you’re back.

Me: Yeah, why didn’t you tell me you changed your phone number?

Brodie: I don’t know, I forgot.

Me: Whatever.

Brodie: So, how was it? How was Mexico? How many boys did you make out with?

Me: (I was driving down the 405 during this conversation as well. I had a lot of bad conversations on this dreaded freeway) Um…

Brodie: (laughing) Come on, how many?

Me: (Weighing my options: he is obviously with another girl and doesn’t care. We are so in the friend zone now. I can work with that) Like 3? Maybe 4?

Brodie: Wait? Are you serious?

Me: Yeah. What? Like you aren’t with another girl or girls?

Brodie: No, I’m not! Are you being for real?

Me: I mean, it was Mexico. I barely remember anything. It’s no big deal! I saw those other girls you were hanging out with on MySpace!

Brodie: Whatever, Danielle. Bye.

He hung up the phone on me. I was devastated and confused and not sure what had just happened. I had to miserably go back to his house and retrieve my school laptop from him with my tail between my legs and his roommates making jerk comments about “how much fun I must have had in Mexico”. I was humiliated. I deserved it. I thought I deserved it. BUT! Wait- he was sleeping with other girls. He had cheated on me. He was just trying to make me feel like crap to mute his own feelings of guilt and avoid the wrath of me finding him out. I had done something awful, but so had he. He never apologized. He never even fully admitted it.

It was at this point that I had been attending a private, Christian University for 4 whole years, was up to my ears in student loan debt, was completely and utterly crushed by the weight of life and the consequences of my decisions and I just wanted an escape.

The Bible says in Romans 8:26-27 that “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself interceded for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit interceded for the saints according to the will of God.”

The Spirit inside of me was groaning. Yes, I believe the Spirit was still inside of me but I had ignored His convictions for years and years until I had quenched Him almost completely and couldn’t hear or feel Him clearly anymore.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what to pray……

I only knew that I needed to pray.

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