So, I got a job at a local restaurant as a seating hostess. There were a few older guys working there who pounced on my fresh meat as soon as I walked through those front doors. I had a small fling with one of them but soon moved on when the really attractive, charming, motorcycle-riding server began to show interest in me.
I’m realizing, as I type this, how much of a sleaze-ball I was becoming when it came to guys. But you know that other cheesy saying: “Hurt people, hurt people.” I’m not excusing my actions in the least, nor am I justifying them, but I sure as heck know one thing: it was a whole lot easier to submit to the whole “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” philosophy than to carry on the rest of my life as a victim. I wasn’t going to let a man (or a boy, let’s be honest because these weren’t real men) destroy me again. I was in control. I was independent. I could take ‘em or leave ‘em and that was exactly what I planned to do.
So, this guy…..let’s call him Jason….. so, he heard that I divulged a secret to a co-worker. The secret was revealed in a game of “who would you hook up with at work” and stupidly, I decided to show my hand – poker face be damned! My choice was Jason. Well, naturally, this information came back around to him (which, at the time, I was totally unaware of) and he started pursuing me……hard.
In a classically suave move he showed up at my apartment one morning and placed a single lavender rose (my favorite flower and he knew it) on the window of my car. When I woke up to find it, I knew “he must really like me!”. Ah, yes. This guy knew exactly what he was doing (insert Sandlot reference). So, of course, I let him take me out on his motorcycle (OH MY GOSH I AM SO COOL) and on a date etc. etc. etc. The kicker came when he spent the night at my apartment (watching movies only!) and tried to get frisky with me. I flat out refused to sleep with him because I was still a virgin. The next morning he left my place and was spotted by my Resident Advisor. He totally got me in trouble and he knew it and he couldn’t have cared less.
Here’s the way the rest of it went down:
- He starts dating another girl from work. It’s totally obvious because every time he gets near her, her face turns bright red. I’m immediately suspicious.
- He tells me that we aren’t really dating anymore and again (concrete heart) I act like it’s no big deal and can’t wait to move on to the next loser.
- I find out about a year later from a source at our work that he lied like a coward to all his friends and told them that I supposedly “wanted him to be my first” and let him sleep with me. Seriously, I thought guys only did this in movies….
Anyway, I moved on and got a job at a new restaurant and this time I was a big shot. I had moved up to “Server” status and wasn’t ever going to look back.
Side note here: honestly, some of these passages seem angry. I get it. I was angry. I was treated badly. I treated others badly. At the end of the day, what I am trying to and hoping to convey is the emotions I felt at the time these things were happening to me. I’ve since processed, moved on and dealt with these hurts. I am not a whole woman, but I am on the path to becoming whole again. Jesus has helped me in my journey of brokenness, in my journey to forgive those who wronged me, but I am still human and still often find myself carrying a burden that I still shouldn’t be carrying. My hope is that you don’t allow un-forgiveness to fester and rot inside of you for as long as I did.
“Un-forgiveness, let’s not forget, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”