Photo by Andreas Fidler
I just turned 36 on January 12th. I don’t feel depressed about my age, in fact, I’m pretty proud of every passing year. It means I’ve survived another year of life, I’ve learned more, achieved more, grown more, laughed more, cried more and dared more. I might change my mind once I turn 40 and all the wrinkles start to set in, but I honestly doubt it. I’ve never been one of those to refrain from smiling just because they create smile lines.
I couldn’t sleep the night before my birthday. My whole family was recovering from the flu and then I got hit with a sinus infection, so I could NOT breathe! My youngest daughter was curled up next to me in my bed, (no, that sounds too sweet) to be honest, her smelly foot was in my face and I had to get OUT OF THERE. I went to check my phone at 3am (default, I guess?) and I scrolled to the Bible app.
The verse of the day (my birthday) was from Psalms 130. I decided to read the entire thing as my mantra for the day. Once I finished, I realized, it was going to be my mantra for my next year of life.
Psalms 130- A Song Of Ascents.
“Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the Lord! For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.”
Bombshell explosion at 3am in my brain after reading this glorious, 8 verse masterpiece. Ever since I’ve joined alongside my husband in ministry, I have battled major depression and feelings of complete and utter inadequacy. I felt that my checkered past disqualified me from serving at a church, especially in a pastoral role. I didn’t feel that I belonged, that I fit in, that I was worthy.
This last year has taught me, through a series of events and much prayer, that if God has called me to something, He will surely equip me with the tools I need to succeed. Not only that, but He calls me worthy for such a task. The Psalm says, “for with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with him there is plentiful redemption.”
I have been crying out to the Lord all of my life. I have asked him to hear my voice. I have been slowly and surely ascending closer and closer (with a few wrong turns along the way- which, if you know me isn’t too hard to believe since I get lost driving pretty much anywhere) to understanding who he made me to be and what he made me for.
Read this verse to the Lord this week and cry out to him. Ask him to hear your pleas and be attentive. As you wait with hope, be reminded that he is full of steadfast love and plentiful redemption. Once you have been forgiven, you toss that STUPID shame out the window! He has tossed your iniquities into the depths of the ocean!